There are lot of things you could say about R-Kelly. Such as “for a guy apparently videoed performing illegal sex acts with minors, he’s been convicted of illegal sex acts with minors remarkably few times.” Or “with the release of his 2013 album Black Panties, he cemented his place as one of R&B’s most emotionally stunted individuals”.
But what truly makes R unique is a sustained self-delusional gravitas not exhibited by anyone else ever in the history of things. May we humbly submit exhibits A thru V – R Kelly’s In The Closet.
This twenty-two part film clip raises more questions than it answers. Like: is this a song, a movie, a theatre piece or a prank? How much did this work of art cost? Is the music replicable? Like, could he recall and reproduce these note sequences in concert? And at what point did R stop having someone in his life who could say “Hey… maybe having a film clip that is measured in chapters is excessive…” or “No. Twenty-two parts is not a thing.”
Not since Chaucer’s Canturbury Tales has an audience simultaneously wondered with such force why a story is being told, why it is being told the way it is, and why, for the love of god, is it so astoundingly long?
But in spite of all this, it is utterly impossible not to be curious about where the fuck this thing is going. By chapter four you find yourself unable to look away yet utterly unable to say why.
Perhaps R just says it best in Chapter 3:“I close my mouth and swallow spit As I think to myself this is some deep shit”. UPDATE:
In a revelation that beggars believe, R has recently released 11 new chapters. They are a sequel to the ‘Trapped In The Closet’ saga. The obvious questions are:
-who in R’s life said to him ‘I’d really love to see MORE of Trapped In The Closet’?
-how could any human on the planet feel that Trapped In The Closet Chapters 1-22 left ANY questions unanswered?